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Tuesday, Sept. 02, 2003 - 6:43 p.m. i talked to my mom this weekend. my aol account was seized by the aol police. some how, some way, someone got hold of my password and was sending bulk mail from it. what gives? anyway, my mom had to argue w/ the lady on the phone for them to restore it. they wanted her to delete it all together. i was like, no, no, no. as always, my mom wins and i got to keep my password. today was boring...super boring. yeah, i was busy at work, but still, i was bored. it was like my hands were moving...i was keying lightening fast, but it was all stuff i do at the beginning of every single month. i can do it with my eyes closed. i didn't have to think on anything. and that's when it hit me...i haven't really been using my mind lately. well, a little more than lately. you the old saying, if you don't use it, you lose it? well, i think i'm losing it. things i should know have slipped my mind. what gives? things that used to excite me and bring me joy do nothing now. do i think it's b/c of my upcoming birthday? i don't know. i dread the birthday, but i'm not going out of my way to have a fit about it or complain. i mean, it's not going to change things. i guess i'm like that about my birthday b/c....well, i don't get much attention from my parents now that i am an adult. i mean, sure, they call me to wish my happy birthday, but it's still not the same. i look at all my sister has done to upset my parents and she's treated like a queen. my brother...he's a leech. he does nothing except get in trouble and make my mom cry, but he's treated like it's the most special day in the world. me, however, i may get a card, but i get no recognition. it kinda hurts....it used to hurt a lot more, but you start to adapt. regardless how i feel, i still love my parents with all my heart and i wouldn't take anything for them. they are my heart. my siblings too. i've always wondered why, when growing up, i was always doing stuff for my siblings...always had to make sure brother and sister had stuff for their special day, but when mine got here, i never even got a happy birthday from them. well, my brother does at least tell me that, after my mom reminds him or makes him. i don't know...i guess it's just old memories coming back to bite me in my ass. but i won't let them change how i feel about my family. no, i'll keep all those feelings inside for them never to find out. after all, i am the good child. but off that subject...and on to what? yeah, i'm bored. i fear no matter what i do today, i'll be bored. i can study, i can read v.c. andrews, i can clean my room...but all the while my mind will be sitting there doing nothing. i'm so bored, my head is starting to hurt. what gives? i think i'll go watch 'the wall' and listen to some pink floyd. if nothing else, it will make me cry. at least then my mind will have something to do. |
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