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Sunday, Jul. 20, 2003 - 12:43 a.m. well, i am at my parent's for the weekend. it has been cool, though. i had a major case of home sickness last week. it got really bad. one of the ladies i have known all my life passed last week. it hurt me at the core of my heart. of course, that made me sit back and reflect on my life. not a good thing to do....well, not on the day i did it, i will say. i was listening to 'these three words' by stevie wonder on the radio and our poured the tears, yep. i couldn't stop them. i thought about all the people that have meant so much to me but have gone on...my granddaddy, my grandma, my uncle thomas, ann, aunt hassie bell....the list goes on. and for some reason the majority of the people i have named passed this year. oh, i'm alright now, but monday night i felt helpless and i had no one to call. it was then that i decided i was going to come home and i couldn't wait. it took a long time for me to be able to deal w/ death. now, i'm still not very good w/ it, but at least i'm not scared to die. yep, i said it. i know that when i die, i'll go on to something different. i used to always be so scared of what i didn't know. it took some time, but now, i know that whatever i do, i'll be in good hands b/c i won't fee any pain. but what i do get scared of is the thought of being here w/o my loved ones. when they go on, what am i left to do? it's kinda sad when you think about it...would you rather go before your loved ones, or would you rather let them go? on the one hand, you know you're ready to go and they would be living on, but they are really going to grieve for you and it hurts so bad. sometimes the pain never goes away. then on the other hand, you don't want to be the one that sits and suffers through the pain of a loved one leaving you forever. it's so sad....so difficult to even think about. but THAT is what scares me. i know, i know, i'm so morbid. i guess it's b/c suddenly all the people i love and that have been apart of my life for so long are slowly dwindling away. it's not cool. i was talking to my mom last week when my nephew was w/ me in g'boro. she was telling me that my aunt found a lump in her breast. they checked it out and it came back...positive. she has breast cancer. funny, i'm watching the same thing on general hospital. that was very upsetting. then my mom told me she had a doctor's appointment the other day b/c she has a lump under her breast. that freaked me out, but i would NEVER let my mom know that. i've got to be strong, if nothing else. i didn't know today until i talked to my mom that she was way upset about it. she was crying...sitting in the doctor's office thinking about her aunt mary. aunt mary is still alive...she's a breast cancer survivor, they just had to remove her breasts. well, fortunately, the doctor told my mom it's just cyst that nothing was wrong. she went to get it checked out b/c it was REALLY sore. well, come to find out, it was just a fancy way of saying my mom had a boil. i guess that's how you spell it. i've never seen one of them before until tonight. do you know how relieved both of us were when we found out what it really was? my mom felt so bad last night...i think worrying about that and being in pain. i just felt bad period. both of us took a percocet and passed out. today, we're both fine. yea to that. gosh, i was just going to write a simple little entry and i've managed to pour my heart out about stuff i haven't told anyone. i guess it's easier for me to say whatever i want to here b/c i don't have to worry about it being brought up again. i mean, maybe someone might bring it up in a guestbook or something, but it's not like someone right in my face bringing it up when i can't deal, you know. i can just say it here and that's where i lies. if i don't want to talk about it, then i just don't. if only real life could be that way. oh well, i guess that's why diaryland is popular, huh. well, this is such a morbid entry that i think i'll continue this on another page. that way, i can continue to live in my fake jolly world a little bit longer w/o the threat darkness entering. |
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