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Wednesday, Dec. 25, 2002 - 11:44 p.m. that was the highlight of my day. well, other than when i got to talk to katilena. my mom, brother, nephew and myself went to my cousin's house today for christmas. it's a family thing, my dad's side of the family. my dad didn't want to come. i'll tell about that later. that made me sad b/c i could tell my dad wasn't happy. when we got to my cousin's house, my mom forgot the presents, so i had to drive all the way back home to pick them up. when i got back, everyone had already eaten and i barely got any food. i felt not included, so i sat at the dining room table w/ my granddaddy. we bonded, as usual. does anyone remember the one thing i cannot deal w/? a black man crying, yes, that's right, but there is one black man that i just can't take seeing cry more than any other one, and that's my granddaddy. yes, he was crying, so i sat w/ him and we talked and joked and laughed. we were the outcast. no one even noticed us...we didn't care. we were having our pity party. we talked about no one ever tells us stuff until it's either too late or way after the fact. this came up when he mentioned something about my uncles, his son, going into the hospital. i was like, what are you talking about? they never tell me anything...he was like, me too, baby, me too. eventually, people noticed that i was in the kitchen w/ granddaddy and kept asking me what was wrong. by that time i had been forgotten for so long, i didn't want to be included, so i did something i haven't done in years...i reverted back to my old self. yep, the quiet one that never talked and only sat in the corner. i was 10 years old again. my granddaddy felt my pain, so we sat and did our thing. he started talking about my daddy and how he hasn't seen him in a bit and he wanted to make sure he was alright. i wanted to cry, but couldn't. then, like always, he got on the subject of my grandma. just saying her name will make me cry like a baby, but i held it in. eventually, we left to come back home. my nephew was in the back seat talking up a storm. my mom was driving and had the music blaring. i was still trying to hold back tears...my newphew wouldn't shut up, my mom wouldn't stop talking and i snapped and the flood gates opened. then i got yelled at for crying. yeah, big surprise. i always have to holf my feeling inside b/c if i let them out, i get yelled at for drawin attention to myself, or at least trying to. sometimes i just want to yell, can i not have a moment? this is why i could never live too close to my family. i have been having a not good day today anyway. there is so much tension in this house b/c of...well, i'll talk about that in the next entry i write. let's just say it surrounds my nephew moving back here w/ my parents and the entire family is involved, yes, i'm talking extended family as well. when we got back home, my daddy wasn't here. i was still crying and upset. when i say i am daddy's little girl, i mean it. i don't feel alright unless my daddy feels alright. see, when i was crying earlier, it was b/c my daddy was not happy and did't feel all that well. then my granddaddy was crying b/c he knows my daddy is upset. when both of my daddys are upset and not happy, i am not going to be happy, understandably. well, i wouldn't talk to anyone when i got home. i was not in a good mood at home. then i heard my nephew say 'granddaddy is home.' i felt a little better, but not much b/c my dad has barely said 5 words since i got home yesterday. he did something to the fire and sat down to watch the movie on t.v. i started feeling better the longer i sat here and saw my daddy. he is my world, just in case you didn't know. w/o him, i am nothing. then i heard him talking to my mom...just hearing his voice made me feel better. before he was talking, i just went and stood in the kitchen so i could be close to him. i asked my mom to cook some corn so i had a reason to wait in that area. he sat in the living room watching the movie, i was behind him in the kitchen, but felt like i was right beside him. i have to know that my daddy is alright, you know. if my mom, aunt, nephew or anything is down, i can get their spirits up and it doesn't really phase me. if my dad is not in good spirits, i am not in good spirits and there only way to get me out of the funk...make my daddy happy. i probably sound like i was raised by my dad alone, but i have two wonderful parents that are still together and both of them raise me. i'm just daddy's girl. eventally, i was relatively happy. my friend called me, i love her to death. she always makes me smile. i may see her tomorrow, it all depends on how i feel. hopefully, i was stay in a good mood. then my roommate called and wished me a merry christmas. she always makes me feel good. then i got to return to the real me for a minute. she was like 'i have something to tell you' in THAT voice. you know the voice i am talking about. the one where you know something is wrong. now, most everyone knows i don't like cats, that's just me. well, she tells me she let this stray cat in the apartment to give it some food. i was like what? stray cat? IN my apartment? absolutely not! my mom heard me was going off worse than i was. i was relatively calm. i just said, get it out and get it out now. she didn't want to touch the cat b/c it was boney. i told her she has no choice, i want no fleas in my house, none! she giggled, but she knew i was dead serious. i am give on somethings w/ her, but not others. i don't even like house trained cats in my house, there's no way in hell i'm letting a stray one in there. the first flea bite i get, she's gonna have hell to pay! we also laughed. i didn't threaten to kill her..well, not yet. i told her i has seen someone today that was friends with her in high school. i put him on the phone and he left a message on our answering machine earlier. she was shocked when she got the message. it was my cousin! we aren't close at all. he's my second cousin. his dad is my great uncle (my mom's uncle). i was like whoa, somebody was getting busy at an old age. he was my grandfather's youngest brother. it was so funny, we were talking about what year we graduated and from what school. i learned that he was from a town near where i live. then he said he went to the school my roommate graduated from. we just talked about that two weeks ago, crazy. i told him who my roommate was and described her and he was like, yeah, we were friends and we used to eat lunch together all the time. i was shocked b/c every other person i know that she want to high school w/, she hates them. i just couldn't believe it and neither could she. talk about six degrees of separation. she never put two and two together. she knows his last name. his last name is my mother's maiden name and my nephew's first name. that was just really crazy. well, i think i can stand to write about my family's ...issue now. but that's another entry! |
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