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what is wrong with me? 2001-10-29 - 12:25 p.m. i have to say, the past 24 hours have been quite disturbing. it's amazing how much can happen in such a short amount of time. well, let's see, i had an awesome time yesterday at my parent's and aunt's house. it was off the hook. i found some new information as well. i have a new cousin...well, he's not exactly new, but we just found out about him. evidently, my uncle thomas, my dad's oldest brother, had an affair some time ago, before my time, and now we are finding a child resulted in from it. that's very shocking on my dad's side of the family because we are super tight and try not to keep secrets. family is family and you are stuck with them, so you might as well learn to love them and accept them for who they are. and love each other, we do very much. but back to the subject at hand, uncle thomas is married and has been for 30-some years. his oldest daughter is like 38 or something and his youngest daughter, helen, will be 30 next month. well, the other child, who is a boy, is 27. our entire family is just learning of this. i have no idea how they found out. i think his name is freddie. he has known about us, but we never knew about him. my cousin helen is very upset about this and is going to talk to uncle thomas, but she has accepted it. there is nothing she can do about it. keeping in mind our family little motto, we are inviting him to our thanksgiving dinner. this should be interesting to say the least. i have never met him. i only have 1 male cousin (1st cousin) so i am excited about meeting him. this is the second big thing that has happened in the family. first it was my granddaddy finding out the man he thought was his uncle was really his brother and realizing who his real father was after they were dead, and now this. this is a big deal in our family because we pride ourselves in sticking together and not keeping secrets. when you lie and keep secrets, things like this pop up and you end up hurting others in the long run. well, i just want to meet this cousin. so i learn of all this at my aunt's house before i came back to g'boro. i get home and check the answering machine. i knew there was going to be a butt load of calls on there and the caller id, so i start listening. ron burned my phone out! i was so sick and tired of seeing his numbers, i know them all. his parent's, his apartment and his cell phone. he knew i was not going to be here this weekend, so i page him to see if everything was okay. my mistake. we talk and everything was fine. of course, he pisses me off a little, but what's new. we finish the conversation only for him to call me back 45 seconds later. i should have let it ring, if only i had known. he was on his way to his aunt's house in winston. he keeps talking about a touchy subject with me, one that should have been dead last week, but he won't let it die. he tells his dad my business, he didn't need to tell anybody anything. i have never met his real dad, only his stepdad, but i have a feeling i wouldn't respect him if i did meet him just from hearing what he told ron, but that's neither here nor there. so the conversation goes on and he brings up that damn 'a' word again. i lost it. i started yelling at him while he was on his way to winston. then he starts acting selfish again talking about himself. what's new. then something in me snapped, i don't know why or how, it just did. i started crying. i didn't let him know, but i did. then he starts saying how he cares for me and all this crap. the damn that was holding the tears snapped in half! i was boo-hooing like someone had beat me...worse. it was coming from my soul. i have no reason why i was crying, maybe i do, i don't know. all i know was i couldn't stop. so i hung the phone up on him, thinking that would make me stop crying....of course it didn't. so i cry for about 10 minutes non stop, ensuring that the whites of my eyes are extremely red by this point. i knew i couldn't be by myself at this point, so i call ricky. he was just about to watch wrestling. ricky, who knows me better than anyone else on this earth, hears that i have been crying, not because i told him, not because i was still crying, but because he knows what i sound like after i stop crying. he is so used to it. he asks me why, i tell him not to ask me anymore, he keeps pushing me and the flood gates open again, this time not to be stopped for anything. so he pops a tape in to record wrestling and zooms over to my place. in the time it took him to get over to my place, i had some pretty not so good thoughts. i kept thinking we are only on this earth for a short time, so i shouldn't worry about earthly matters. the more i thought, the more depressed i got. i just kept going down, down, down until finally, i just wanted to stop the pain. i wanted my pain to just disappear. i know how to do that, tried is so many times as a teenager but never got it right. i just kept thinking i am not strong enough to keep going on. i am tired, so tired and i just want to rest forever. this is about the time that ricky got there. i was so empty. i couldn't smile, i couldn't laugh, i couldn't even fake it and i am damn good at that. i could barly talk. all i could do was just let tears run down my face. it is very frustrating to not know why you are feeling so down, to not be able to pinpoint a certain thing that was said or done. so ricky talked to me. ricky listned to me. he told me the same thing that i told him many times before. why am i getting upset over a boy, a stupid boy. it's not the boy, it's not the situation....i don't know what it is. it's got to be something in me. what is wrong with me? there has got to be something wrong with me for all this to be happening. why am i crying without knowning why? why are things just not falling into place? why am i no longer a strong willed person? why am i just accepting things as they are and not trying to change them? ricky asked me all these things and you know the answer i gave him? i don't know, and that was the scariest thing. but he did get my mind off things and made me laugh. well, i have still not dealt with the situation, but at least i have pushed it aside for now....as i always do. i have no idea how to deal with whatever is going on, but at least i can over look it and attempt to go about my daily routine. i suppose i should bet to work now. my inbox is piled up and i still have to get my flu shot in about 45 minutes. oh joy!

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