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2001-10-06 - 12:22 a.m. i did get to chill with my cousin jevon. we haven't talked and hung out in ages, it was before i moved to g'boro and that's been over 4 years. we had so much fun and we laughed after service. i saw so many of my old friends and family tonight. i am so glad i came. this is the only thing that i was willing to miss buffy the vampire slayer for. as crazy as it may sound, i actually missed ron tonight. i know everyone who was with me through my 'i hate ron' phase is ready to strangle me at this point, but still, i really did miss him tonight. ron (the ex) and i used to go to different church functions all the time and they were so much fun. he would have loved tonight. and homecoming...i want to invite him to homecoming...but i cannot bring myself to page him. that and i don't have his numbers on me. they are at my apartment. i could get them if i needed them, though. it's strange too, speaking of him. i was thinking about him when i left church. the entire time we were together, we had so many problems and he would piss me off to no end, but to keep the peace, i would smooth everything over like it was gonna be alright, because as far as i am concerned, everything will always be alright. (no problem too big for my God to handl) the thing was there was a lack of communication on my part and he had a one track mind. tonight i realized that ron and i are now closer than we ever had been before and that is scary. i can talk to him and he can talk to me. we talked last night, as a matter of fact, and i remember him telling me some really personal things that he will never tell anybody else in the world. i know that for a fact; we communicated and it was so much fun. we talk now, we giggle at each other, we tease each other, we listen to each other, we confide in each other...and we do a whole lot more with each other. the crazy thing is, this is how it should have been between us when we were together. now that we aren't together, we are closer. he asked me last night, are we friends and i told him yes. then he asked me if i only thought of him as a friend and i told him i thought of him as a really good friend. i also told him no, we cannot be together again. that ended that conversation. it's crazy, the entire time we had the conversation, we were laying in bed in each other's arms closer than i think we have ever been before, mentally. i cannot understand that for the world, but i guess strange things are always happening. that was all something that i was pondering after church tonight. he actually listens to me now and my opinion counts for so much and i do not know why. before his mind frame was he was the head of the relationship b/c he is a man. that's fine because that is how i was brought up anyway, but the female also has input and it's a 50/50 thing, however strange that sounds. if you knew my parents, everything would fall in perspective. now, i am considered, by ron, as a person, an individual, not some trophy he can just have on his arm, which, by the way, i am not. people who REALLY know me know i can be very vocal and when i am not heard i am a down right BITCH. the entire episode last night just clouded my mind and now everything seems so different...like i have to rethink some things now. maybe i did do the wrong thing by breaking up with him....but i was very unhappy then....maybe we just need to stay 'friends.' i remember telling jezzie one day, i think, that we are using each other physically and she said the best thing to do was just walk away. but i realized it is so not just about sex. when my aunt died, the first person i told was jezzie, but the next person on my mind was ron. when something good happens, i usually call jezzie first, but theni call ron. is that strange? some kind of subconsious thing working against me? so much to think about and so little time to do it in. oh boy. any good advice? |
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