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2001-08-28 - 10:59 a.m. there is this song i have been singing ever since i got back from my parent's house this weekend. i cannot get it out of my head. it's a gospel song, but it's so inspirational. it goes 'we fall down, but we get up- we fall down, but we get up. for a saviour just a sinner who fell down but didn't stay there.' i really like that. it's very inspirational to me and lifts my spirit to no end. i just sit there and think about it. everyone falls down emotionally and spiritually, but only those of us who pick ourselves up will be able to go on. i just have to keep remembering that. and i know it is hard to pick yourself up sometimes and you might need a little help. maybe i can be the one to help someone get up, you know. positivity is of the utmost important to me, i have decided. i always have to remember two things my latin teacher in high school taught me: 1.) do whatever it takes to make yourself happy 2.) live in the present, but remember the past so you can strive towards the future. i think i complain too much. i know it seems that way, but i don't get to complain to people. i have always been told that i am a really good listener, but i cannot say that about anyone. i am always the one doing the listening, but who is there when i need someone to listen to? after a while, you get used to it. i used to try to talk to my friends, but it never worked. it seemed like they were going to listen, but it always ended up going back to them. i never got to finish, you know. those are the times that i draw into myself because i have to find my higher power and have a little talk. i feel a lot better afterwards. it's amazing how just talking about something can make you feel so much better. yeah, sometimes, i have to talk to myself, but it's not so bad. no, i am not complaining no matter how much it seems like i am, i am just getting things out. i guess, in a way, this is my way of talking, too. i get to say what i need to say to get things out and, acutally, i don't think i really need to be worried about what i say because it's like no one reads this anyway, i can just write down my thoughts. my god, i think i have skipped around to five hundred million different topics while trying to stay on one. it is not easy, i tell you. i am trying to hard to stay positive and not get mad at stupid things and things of that sort that i am tired. it takes so much energy to hold stuff in and calm yourself down. you would think it would take more energy to become angry, but that is not the case at all. i think i got that from this book i just finished yesterday. it was v.c. andrew's latest one, ice. she was quiet and barely spoke unless spoken to. the kids would tease her in school and people would yell at her and talk about her, but she always kept her cool. she never lost her temper and never had a smart come back either. i think i should become more like that. you never have to worry about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time; you never have to worry about pissing someone off; you never have to worry about much of anything--but you start to lose contact with the outside world. yeah, i used to be that way when i was a kid. i got out of it when i got to the 11th grade. it was hard breaking out of that shell but when i did, i was a new person. sometimes, i wonder if that was the best thing for me. you know, i have been thinking this weekend about a lot of things. one of them being reality vs. my own prison, so to speak. it's sad to say, but as i grown older, i feel that i start shying away from people and am more interested in inanimate objects and 'my make believe world.' it's as though i am confined to my mind, even though i have never really gone into the depths of my mind, i do feel confined. i really do feel as if it is my own prison and it's my fault i am there, but i have to fight from time to time to get out somehow. believe me, i am in the real world, but when things bore me or i can't deal with what is going on, i go into my head and that is not always the safest place to be, even though i feel as if it is. i am always scared that one day i will snap and be stuck inside my mind. that is so scary to me because i see it as having a really bad acid trip that never ends. i need to go outside and walk around a little bit...no, i will just do some more work. i don't feel like taking a lunch break today. i don't need it anyway. |
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