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Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003 - 3:29 p.m. i just got back from church...my old church's homecoming, to be exact. i ended up in the car crying after service. nothing bad that anyone said. i actually was listening to youth's hour and it's something the guy said that got me. he was referring to halloween and everyone dressing up. what do they put on? masks! and lots of people wear masks to pretend to be someone else. then i got to thinking...i've been wearing a mask for so long. i don't even know who i really am. and that hurts! it's very disheartening. that got me to thinking more about my life and i don't really have a life. i've really been going through some things the past few weeks. nothing seems to work out like i want it to...like i need it to. that on top of me rethinking my life has made me even more depressed than i was. i don't like myself..i really don't. inside or out. i mean, there's really nothing inside. i repeat things i've heard others say....i say so often "like my mother says..." or "like my father always says..." what about what i say? i don't! i have no self confidence and low self esteem. i don't really have a life. it's my friends that have lives. i don't have goals..i don't have anymore push or drive...i'm just here... a waste of flesh. and i'm told to think about the future and go towards that. well, that's all well and good, but what about now? i have to live in the present and if i'm not doing so well now, how am i going to make it to the future? i know, there are all these people in the world that have had it much harder than i have and they prevailed...but i don't think i have what they've got inside. i feel as if i have given all i can give and i don't know if there's anything left. i'm the one always giving out advice; the one that people always come to talk to when they want someone to listen b/c that's what i'm good for...one of the only things i'm good for. but if something is wrong w/ me or i need to talk, i don't have anyone that will truly listen to me or give me advice. they're either too busy, have something else to do when i need to talk, don't want to listen, want to talk more about themselves, have more drama to top my drama or just want me to get peppy so i can listen to them. do you know how tired i get of that? i really do b/c if someone doesn't want to listen to what i have to say, i'm not going to bore them or even attempt to make them listen. i just shut up and put on my mask of being the happy listener. and everyone thinks everything is so hunky dory in my life. it's not. it's not at all. i used to go out all the time coming home at ungodly hours in the morning, getting little sleep and going to work only to come home and do it all again. sleep was not something i needed. i had to do that to stay afloat. why you ask? b/c i'd end up like i am not otherwise. and how am i now? i get up, go to work, come home, try to study, but my mind starts to wander so i drink a cocktail, attempt to study more, but get depressed, go back to my studies, drink some more, cry like a baby, pass out, wake up b/t 3:23a.m. and 3:27a.m., take my contacts out and get in the bed only to wake up at 6:20a.m. and do it all over again. that's really an everyday occurrance. the only time i deviate from that routine is when ricky or jody comes over or one of my neighbors invites me to come smoke w/ them or something. sad...very sad. and weekends...they're the worst. i have nothing i HAVE to do, so i'm sitting around depressed, if i'm in g'boro, and i cry and am depressed all day. i hate it. my thoughts today have been so jumbled up. after reading the above, a lot of people would say 'well, if you would just pray, then everything would be fine.' guess what? i do. i have been praying for many, many years. i feel as if i'm burned out now. i don't have anything in me. no motivation, no will power, no confidence, no esteem...no nothing. i'm just here on this earth for some reason and the only being who knows why is the Lord above. i surely wish i knew. well, i've got to be back to my apartment now. i'm not excited b/c i know what the night will end up like. my tears will, once again, be on my pillow and my thoughts will be very jumbled and dark. no worry, my life is not in danger. that's one thing i've never had to worry about. i'm too much of a wimp to do anything to myself...now that i'm older anyway. |
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