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Saturday, Mar. 30, 2002 - 7:43 p.m. she just wanted someone to hang with and chill b/c she doesn't like to smoke alone. no problem. we were looking for a quiet place in the country to just chill and drink and smoke. hell, i have lived here all my life and never have i once seen this dirt road before. it's right down the street from my parent's too. so we pulled in there and parked. she rolled and i sat and watched. we started drinking and smoking and listened to the mixed cd she made. we were having fun...but i felt some tension, you know...sexual tension. i cannot believe i am actually writing this. well, i am. so she is telling me she made the cd for having sex. she starts telling me how it starts off slow and then builds and all this. i can't go into it now, it's not even important. i am totally fucked up at this time, but it was all good. she keeps talking graphic i didn't have a problem w/ it. she asked me and i told her i was a very open person, which i am. then she started asking other questions, which i cannot bring myself to write now....maybe later. then she gets me to roll a joint b/c she can't, no problem. she gets in the car with me and we are just talking and chilling and everything. then she wants to play truth or dare. right then and there i realized i was in way too deep over my head. i NEVER play truth or dare one on one. i am awful at it, for one, but it's just too risky. i was so nervous, you just know. oh, did i forget to mention the fact that ty is a lesbian? haha, minor detail. well, she kept asking me about my fantasy and if i could have a one night stand with anyone who would it be. she told me the answers i was giving were so complicate and i needed to give her simple answers....the ones she wanted to hear. okay, right then i there, i got the biggest stomach cramp in the world, i kid you not. i didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation. i tell you what i really wanted to do. i wanted a cell phone to call my girl b/c i needed her. i needed to talk to a sane person at the time b/c i was slowly losing my head. i needed someone to calm me down...but i didn't have a phone i was in the middle of the woods alone with ty at midnight. but nothing happened. she wanted something to happen, she tried...but i am a master at evading the subject. i can beat around the bush for hours. finally, i was like, i have to go home. it was really late and i was really fucked up...and i knew if i stayed any longer...well, something would have happened. i do not know what. i told her i would call her later. when i got home, i realized i picked up my keys for my apartment and not my parent's house, so i had to knock on the door. i immediately went to bed, but not to sleep. not with all that had happened on my mind. i had a lot to think about. i could not believe that had happened to me, nothing ever happens to me. i know, i have been told i flirt all the time, but i didn't know i was that bad, you know. i mean, damn, i don't even see myself as that attractive, but to each his or her own. so now i am totally wigged out, but i am with the family so i have to chill out. it didn't help matters today at the family dinner that she came with my sister. i felt so weird. i did talk to her. i am one hell of an actress when it comes to hiding what is on the inside. if you don't really know me, you would never know. there are only three people who can read me like that: ricky, jason and jezzie and that's b/c they have had enough practice. so now, i am going to have to call jezzie when i get back tomorrow...hell, probably tonight before i go to bed. i need some sane voice to talk to me b/c i for damn sure have lost my mind. okay, i just had to write that down. i feel a little bit better, but there is something different going on in me and i have no idea what it is. help! as a side note, i went to circuit city this morning and bought a dvd player. i love it. yes, i was with my mom and i still flirted my ass off with the sales guy. i asked for the 3 disk changer, that's what i wanted. it was only $114.99. then out of the blue, he hooked me up. he gave me the 5 disk dvd player that was $149.99, but i only had to pay $109.00. let me say, when i want to work it, i do. a little flipping of the hair and it's on. yep, and i didn't even have on any make up. but the same thing happened years ago when i got my stereo, so it's not big thing. a little flirting gets it for me every time. now i will go call my cousin shannon and talk to her about last night. i have a feeling i will not be satisfied until i talk to jezzie, though. in fact, i know i want. okay, gotta go. happy easter. |
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