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Monday, Feb. 25, 2002 - 12:49 p.m. but back to the orginal subject, sometimes i wonder, will i always be alone? like, will i never find that special someone? there are so many people out there that have their own special someone, but i wonder, where is mine? i have my friends and family, but sometimes, i feel that isn't enough. i know that sounds bad, like i am ungrateful for what i have, but that isn't so. i am very grateful for all that i have and everyone that i have. i just wish i has a special person to share my life with. sometimes i am like, am i THAT ugly? my friends and family are always telling me how pretty i am or how beautiful i am. but they are supposed to, you know. i know me, i feel like all my friends are beautiful, every single last one of them. but sometimes i just don't meet my own standards of beauty. a lot of people don't know this but i am pretty self conscious. the summer of 1996 i had a super bad accident that left me in the hospital for 2 weeks. afer i learned to walk again, everything was going okay, but i will never be able to look at myself in the mirror the same way again b/c of that accident. i have a scar on my upper right check. it used to be super bad, but it's better. they asked did i want plastic surgery, but i was so sick of being operated on and poked and proded that i said no. oh, how many times have i wished i could turn back time and say yes. every time someone asks me about my scar, i cringe a little inside. i ask myself, are they about to tell me i look like some foul creature? are they gonna hurt my feelings? but i have learned to put up a good front. no one really knows that about me. i wear make up now, that's mostly due to jezzie, or at least it started b/c of her. now i wear it try to hide. not many people have seen me w/o some form of make up. i am very self conscious of it. i get compliments all the time, my eyes, my teeth, my hair, my skin....but i think to myself, are they just giving me these compliments to my face and behind my back saying 'that poor ugly child. what on earth happened to her?' or better yet, 'i feel sorry for her, she'll never find anyone looking like that.' is that why i am still single? why i have no on to call my own? just some thoughts that go through my head from time to time. maybe that's why i wear my shades all the time. to try and cover my scare. or maybe why i dress the way i dress or do some of the things i do. i figure, if i shock them with the tongue ring, or tattoos, or cleavage or what i say or do or how i dress, maybe they won't notice. i think it works sometimes, but no all the times. i sometimes look at my old pictures before the accident and think, why did this happen to me? i have a lot of people that have known me for a long time, you know, before the accident. they are still with me now. but i know they look at me sometimes wondering, why doesn't she get that scare taken car of? i ask myself the same question. now i just can't afford it. at the time all this happened, my thing was, at least i am alive. then it changed to, well, at least i can walk again. now i just say, well, at least i have friends that aren't totally repulsed by me. no, this was not me having a pity part. i try not to give in to that. no, just something that goes through my head almost everyday of my life since july 1996. i still remember the first time someone gave me a mirror so i could see myself. i cried. i cried b/c i was so ugly. i couldn't even stand to look at myself for long. i wanted to throw the mirror down and break it b/c it was not my reflection. no, this wasn't paul jr.'s daughter, no, no, no. and then, i reverted back to how i was my 10 grade year. the first sign of unhappiness....just end my life. i think my mom kinda felt that. she cried with me and made sure that i was never in my room by myself. i never spent one night alone in duke those weeks. i think had i been alone i would have pulled out those tubes and i.v.'s and found someway to end it all. that's just how ugly i thought i was. no cute little girl any longer. sometimes i think back on those few weeks i was at duke. the only think that kept me sane was my family and friends. as time went by, my face got a little better, but it will never be gone. now there is someone who will read this and think i am superficial, but that ain't how it is. you see, that scare wasn't just skin deep. it cut deeper than anyone could ever know. it cute my pride, my self confidence....it cut me. and it will never, ever, ever go away. |
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