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2001-11-14 - 12:31 p.m. cheryl has already messed up my birthday present. why? she bought the cd herself that i was gonna get her. radiohead. oh well, i should have known. that only means that i will be looking for something else today, yes today. tomorrow is the cake day and friday, well, you can't do anything on friday. too much to do. i went to bed so early last night, it wasn't even funny. i barely made it through buffy. i am glad i did, though. willow and her girlfriend broke up. spike and buffy are hooking up. i loved it. i only wish it were angel. but angel has his own show. but yeah, as soon as the 3rd hour of buffy went off, i was out like a light. i intentionally kept my contacts in for two reasons. v was spending the night and i wanted to hear the doorbell and ......i cooked a ham, yes, i cooked meat that had a bone in it. i was very proud of myself. what i had to do was set my alarm clock for 12:30a.m. i just put it in the oven around 8:30p.m. and turned the oven off when my alarm went off. i was supposed to get up and do my bills then too, but i went back to bed. 9 blissful hours of sleep. it was so wonderful. and i was even a happy person when i woke up this morning. that is so not me. i think i will put it back in the oven for one more hour when i get home and call it quits. it's done now, but i just want to make super sure it's good. i am so proud of myself, i could shout that all day long i have seen my 311 video for 'i'll be here awhile' about 3 times now. it makes me feel so good every time i see that video. i get all warm and fuzzy inside. i have been putting up their banner on my aol sites, too. it's so pretty. i have to re-do my sceen saver to include all the pretty pictures again. the alien and the buddha are my absolute favorties, i will say. giddy girl. then there is me and jody on the issue of the theme for cheryl's cake. jody says it should be 'coming out of your shell.' i think that is so lame. when i hear that, i instantly think of teenage mutant ninja turtles. he does not think things through thoroughly. i told him this and he yelled at me. so i yelled back. you know what? we still have no theme for this cake...and i have to go with jody tomorrow to pick out the design, just great. jody is the only person who i can argue with like this. if anyone else yells at me, i yell back, but i am mean and it's over. when ricky yells at me, i do whatever he says because...well, it's ricky. i get sad, but he talks to me like parent, so i must do. when jason or ron yell at me, i cry instantly because they have a special pull on me, but i am about to break that pull any day now. jody's yell is different. he always yells, but he didn't always used to do it. i have known that boy since i was 15 years old.....damn, that's 10 years ago. wow, how time flies. ricky is on his wwf phase now. he is going to search g'boro saturday and try to find the roc and kurt angle. i put a guilt trip on him somehow and now he says he is staying late at the party. i love it when i can do that. hopefully, he will stay until i get everyone out of my place. that, as usual, will not be a n easy task, but i will do it somehow. so i am getting jittery about the party now. now is when the adrenaline kicks in. when i actually have to start doing some work. okay, really, if truth be told, i am kinda scared. i have no idea why. yes i do. what if this party is a big ol flop? what if i just don't have it in me to do good parties anymore? what if i have lost my touch? what if people come, but they leave by midnight? it doesn't even start until 11:00p.m.! what if cheryl gets in one of her, 'i don't want to be around people' moods? what if steven comes and he breaks something of mine? this is why i hate having parties. i always do this. i get all hyped up for a party then right before it starts, i start freaking out. why? because my three biggest fears in the world are failure, rejection and the unknown. you can pretty much hit me with anything else, but those three things can bring me to my knees. so what do i do.....? again, the unknown factor pops in there. why can't things be as easy as they were back in the day when my daddy used to pick me up and hold me when things looked bad for me? when he used to hold me up on the 10-speed, even though my legs weren'tlong enough to reach the pedals, and push me around on the bike that was way taller than me? when my mama used to pick me up after ballet practice and tell me how wonderful i was, even though i looked like bubble bee on the floor? now i have to go get a present today that i have no money to get. i have to do my bills which should have been mailed off last thursday! i just have to remember....drama free life, drama free life. |
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