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2001-11-09 - 12:34 p.m. so then i change the mood. i start watching different epidsodes of reverb on hbo thinking everything will be fine. differenty type of music, different mood. i watch live performances of remy zero (a new group), cold and coldplay. i love all those bands. i felt a cry coming on, but i held it back thinking this is crazy. then i saw one of my favorite little modern day groups, linkin park. tha did it. when they performed crawling, i bawled like an unwanted step child. then i turned the channel to mtv and there was incubus live. just saying the name hits me in the heart, but whey they did drive, i just let it all go until i fell asleep. so i wake up and watch mtv2. i see 'in the end' from linkin park, 'don't speak' from no doubt then 'i'll be here awhile' from 311. why is it when i want these songs to come on, they dont'. when i am not ready for them, they pop up. so what did i do, cry more? no, after 311, i turned it to muchmusic and called it day. they don't play stuff that makes me cry. they play dance music a lot and music that i don't get to hear in the u.s. i like canadian music t.v. all that was over the course of a day and a half while i did my hair again. so then i watched the european mtv music awards, hosted by ali g. you know, the guy in the madonna 'music' video. i have one word to describe him...LAME! i did see good performances from mary j. blige and jay-z. by the way, i have so gotten into jay-z in the past two days. i love that song 'girls, girls, girls.' when i hear it, i have to stop and listen. "you betta R-E-S-P-E-C-T me." that's my favorite part. the act that scared me the most was seeing rammstein. i have always been kinda scared of that band, but they REALLY scared me yesterday and it was only on t.v. the awards took place in frankfort germany, so there were all these germans screaming and yelling and they knew the song the band was singing and they were really loud, the crowd was. it was like a cult following. i tried to compare it to americans and michael jackson, but other countries love michael more than we do. we just appreciate the old michael and yell and scream and faint and vomit and have asthma attacks and panic attacks and cry and.....(need i go on) when we see him. we don't sing his songs with him. but that's another story. rammstein is still and forever will be very scary. i finally saw this group i have been wondering about. basement jaxx. they are really cool. it's like a bunch of indian women, acutally, one indian woman. wish i had seen that before chris' costume party last weekend. when i say indian woman, i mean woman from india, not a native american woman. pretty much, this little 'away time' for me consisted of watching music t.v. because that is all i did. that and cry. i talked to my mother, that's it. i didn't talk to anyone else. cheryl did try to strike up a conversation with me yesterday because kamilah left a super long message on my machine. i don't remember what cheryl said, but i told her i was fine, then went in my room and closed the door. she asked would i go with her to the coffee house today at 6:00p.m. to meet some guy. no, i told her. i am not in a coffee house mood. i will, however, go across the street to nyp and get some cheese fries and a slice of cheese...and some beer. i was going to go alone, but frank cornered me when i got to work today and now he is coming. he does not really want me to drink alone, and that's fine. i really don't care if he is there or not. he is not hinder to me. i am not stupid, so i know to eat before i drink. it only took one time for me to mess up and not eat. i don't forget things like that. i will drink until i forget everything. i don't know what i am trying to forget, but i will know when i don't remember. but if i feel the need to cry at any point during the drinking process, i will immediately stop. i refuse to be a blubbering mass of flesh. so yeah, i think it's a good thing that frank will be there, but he is the only one that is allowed to come, no one else. why? because frank is our neurotic love monkey and, even though he is 35, he is a kid at heart and he always makes me laugh and that's what i need. my mama told me to go to the doctor. nope. the last time she told me to go to the doctor, and i mean seriously, i ended up in a room with 3 psychologists at the same time. never again. no thank you ma'am. tomorrow night i am supposed to be going to the warehouse with ricky. he is so excited about that....i am not. i haven't been there in over a year, way over a year, almost 2. that's gonna be crazy. i havn't seen a lot of my gay friends in a long time so this should be interesting. warehouse, also known as whorehouse, is the big gay club in g'boro. you have to be at least 21 to get in. i have had some crazy times there, i will admit. i am good at putting on a mask and faking it. i have been doing it all day today. i guess i can do it tomorrow. you know, make up is a wonderful thing. once you put it on, you become a new person. i will have to wear a lot tomorrow night. i need to be fag hag supreme. let's hope i can pull it off. and what else is tomorrow...oh yeah. ron's birthday. he will be 25. am i gonna call him? did i call him any this week? the answer to both questions is no. i figure i need to just leave that alone. i have done good with not talking at home. i think i can keep up the pretense. but if he does call tomorrow, i will tell him happy birthday. i will not be as cold and heartless as to not remember him on his special day, but i am not seeing him. more reason for me to not be at home tomorrow night. if he asks, i will just tell him i am going to the gay club. he is scared of it, i don't know why. yeah, ron is cute, but i hate it so much when straight people act like all gay or lesbian people want them. hello, catch a clue. my brother even knows better than that, and i think he is a thug. i used to try to get my brother to not like my gay friends, just picking with him, of course, but it never worked. he always says, as long as they aren't getting on me, i don't care. (thanks paul jr. for the good up bringing) i remember when my brother first met ron, ron was like, 'hi, i'm ron. i'm straight.' my brother looked at him with this 'what the hell' look and said 'i don't want you.' it was so funny. i love that boy, but don't tell him. my brother is who i am referring to, by the way. |
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