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the chapter is finished and the book is closed.
2001-10-26 - 12:57 p.m.
i was just talking to ricky and telling him that i think have a pretty good head on my shoulders, not to sound cocky or anything, but i am just stating my opinion. i had my mind made up about ron. i was going to tell him what a complete selfish jerk he is and how i do not need people like him in my life. i was going to tell him how selfish and immature i thought he was and how he will never have any true friends as long as he continues to be this way. what brought that on? well, let's just say i have seen the real ron the past two weeks. but that's good. anyway, i was trying to find the best way to tell him, or rather, the best time. well, he called last night repeatedly. i know he called 3 times before midnight. when i woke up this morning i discovered that he called me at 2:30a.m. i have no idea if anyone heard the phone ring, but i didn't. so i come to work and i am doing my thing. the phone rings. i pick it up. i thought it was going to be v but when i answered it, it sounded like my ex roommate john g. i was wrong on both accounts. it was ron. wtf? i didn't know he had my work phone number. how did he get it? who knows, unless he still had it from when we were dating. well, we talk and i gave him the information he has been waiting for all week. he didn't sound as happy as i thought he would. all he said was, you were right. well, yeah, i usually am. before we established this, he kept saying he was worried about me because he hasn't heard from me all week. yeah, i know. he wanted to make sure i was okay, and i was. so i gave him the information and that should have ended the conversation...but it didn't. all the things i wanted to say to him, i could have said then, it would have been the perfect time to say it.....but i couldn't. for once, he was actually saying how he was thinking about me all week, how he waited for my call, but it never came. then he asked, after certain things that had happened, was i still okay. was i happy about he information i gave him. it was all about me....but a little bit too late. had he said these very same things a few days ago, this would have totally been a different situation, but he was just too late. all these questions he wanted answers to, all the concerns, all the caring...they just fell on uncaring ears. i knew that i would not be able to tell him the speech i had ready for him because it was no longer true, but the end result was still going to be the same. he was going to lose the one and only true friend he has...me. all because he is not mature enough to handle a real relationship and i am not metally stable enough to carry him and myself. i have got to look out for my own sanity before i can worry about someone else's. as he talked to on the phone, i felt nothing, nothing at all and the realization set in that it was finally over. i would never be able to tell him exactly how i felt even though i know exactly how he felt....but that is okay, i will still survive. i know that when he asked me the question we were all scared to hear the answer to, i gave him the answer that i was happy to get, but that he was not, in a way. that puzzled me, but it is no longer my problem. yes, i have decided that the chapter or ron and kim is now finished. i wish him all the luck in the world with whatever he does. if i see him on the street, i will speak. if we casually run into each other, fine, but as far as us hanging out or just chilling together...not an option. i can now say with my head held high that this book is now CLOSED! |
