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2001-11-28 - 8:01 a.m. where is all this coming from. well, i sit here and i think, i have had one of my really close friends be diagnosed as being HIV+ about a year ago. that hurt me more than i can ever imagine. all i could think about was why is this happening? this can't be real! not one of MY friends. but it was real. not too long ago, about two weeks, i was informed that somehow they are negative. i was so happy, but it was like there was now a crack in my 'perfect' world. i can take almost anything that happens to me, but not my friends. like when i had my car accident in 1996. that didn't worry me so much because i knew i could pull through and no one else was involved but me. now reality has reared it's ugly head once again. i think i am still in shock from hearing this myself. i have this person who has been my friend longer than anyone else in the entire world...since i was 4 years old. we were in kindegarden together. she's like a sister to me...my dad calls her his other daughter. we have been through so much together. we don't see or talk to each other anywhere near as much as we should, but we know the love we have for each other is right there. well, i talked to her mom last night to get her number. i haven't talked to my friend since march, right after her birthday. i talked with her and helped her through a rough time in her marriage. i even made her husband talk to my parent's because i know nothing about steady relationships, but my parents have been together since 1969...that's love right there. well, her mom fills me in on all that has happened since i last saw my girl. in a way, i wish i had never called, then i could have been in the dark, but now is the time to test true friendship. her mom made me promise not to tell my friend that she told me. of course, i promised. she informs me that my friend, the oldest friend i have, my first 'sister', have breast cancer. since may, she has gone through 8 sessions of chemo. her husband, the fucking lazy ass stupid motherfucking idiot, does nothing. he doesn't work b/c he got laid off. he squandered his money that he did get, $25,000, and all he does is spend money and play video games all the time. mind you, he doesn't know my friend has cancer, but damn, he should notice something ain't right. the doctors are scared that the cancer has spread to her voice box b/c she has larangytis (or however you spell it). my friend has got to be the strongest person alive, no joke. she has a kid who is now in the 2nd grade. that's my bud, he is. she can barly function, but her husband doens't work, so now she is trying to find a job so she can pay the bills. she was talking about getting a construction job because no one is hiring. why is her lazy ass husband not doing anything? that makes me mad, so mad. you just don't know. why? because if i had known then what i know now, i would have kicked his ass myself earlier this year. did i know he used to beat her? no. did i know he has her $1,600.00 in debt b/c of bad checks that he wrote out of her check book? no. then i sit and think about all this, and yes, i am mad, so mad. why is all this happening to my girl? she even went to social services and waited for three hours only to have them tell her she was not eligible. i cannot understand why this is happening. this is not supposed to happen to REAL people. this ain't t.v. or the movies. there won't necessarily be a happy ending. then i get mad, not at the world, but at myself. yeah, because if i could go back in time and change things, just 8 months, she would be a much happier person. i feel like i convinced her to stay with that dumb ass. i feel like because of me telling her to stay with that idiot and try to work everything out that she is in a hole she can't get out of. god, i wish she had told me what an asshole he was. he totall had me fooled...for 8 years of my life. i am seriously starting to hate men. the hardest thing for me to do is act as though i don't know about this. i can understand her not wanting to tell me about it, i totally do. it's hard, but i know she will eventually. but until then, i have to be the best actress in the world and play dumb. it's not going to be easy, but i will have to pull it off. you know, the hardest thing for me to hear was her mother telling me that her sister is going to a lawyer to make sure she is the legal guardian if anything happens to my friend. that hurt me so much because i don't want to EVER think of anything ever happening to her. i love her so much. my friend just has to start the proceedings with the lawyer....it's only a precautionary measure, her mom told me. you know, i am sitting here now thinking of the crazy things me and my girl did growing up...even earlier this year. she helped me move into my apartment, upstairs, with a broken foot. there is a picture over my night table, in a frame, of a black girl and a white girl holding hands. the white girl is dressed as tom boy and the black girl is dressed in frilly lace with a bonnett on. that is me and her. in high school, we had the same teacher for world history at different periods. i had it 4th period, she had it 6 or 7th period. we would always write on the desk different songs. mostly pink floyd songs. she got me into that group, the wall. our favorite song...comfortably numb. we have gotten in so much trouble due to pink floyd and that song. that song seems so appropriate now. |
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