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elimination? carnivorous?
2001-10-17 - 12:20 a.m.
i want ron eliminated. i really do. why can that little good-for-nothing-high-yellow-wannabe-fool control my emotions and i have no say so over it? i just wanna know why. i mean, that boy can make me feel like i am the center of the universe and the everything revolves around me, like i have attained ataraxia.....but in the next instant he can make me so mad that i want to just throw a brick and hit him in throat. where do all these feelings come from? i give other people advice when they ask for it and they always say i give such good advice because i am looking at their situation objectively....but i can't look at mine that way. i try to live by the advice i am able to give others, but it don't work that way. i always tell other people not to let any one person have that much control over your life, it's not right. i have been there and done that...so why am i doing it again? the other time it was purely a friendship, but now, it's a little more than that. why is it that he is the focal point on my conversation? the subject of a daily conversation? maybe if this were a one sided thing, i could get over it, but it's not. if i even look like i am going to cry, the boy is on his knees in front of me trying to elimate the cause of my distress. if i look as if i am not happy with something he said or did, he backtracks to apologize. he never did that when we were together....i almost HATED him when we were together....so what happened? i think that's it. when he really makes me mad to the point where i yell at him, i don't want to see him and if i don't see him for a while or talk to him, it's all good. but he has to make me mad. he has to genuinely do something to piss me off intentionally. he doesn't do that anymore. all he does is do stupid stuff, but i know he doesn't think about what he does. to use cora's words from the real world, 'he just don't know no better.' then he looks at me with his perfectly trimmed mustache and goatee (however you spell it) and his full pink lips and, yes, even his high yellow skin and dark brown eyes and ....i am mesmerized. oh my god, that thought just occurred to me. with one kiss from that boy, he can wipe all my troubles away...he can put a rainbow in my little sky.....as long as he doesn't utter a word. it's crazy. i don't want him in my life....but i feel as if i need him in my life. it always goes back to him. why? i don't know. can i tell you this boy almost...and he did a very good job of this....convinced me to have sex with him UNPROTECTED! i didn't do it, of course, but still the fact that i even had to think long and hard about it scares the hell out of me. that's not my style, anymore. i used to think i was ready for the all the responsibility that went with the consequences of unprotected sex....but now that i am older and know a little something, i KNOW i am not ready for any of the responsibilites of it. why is everything so complicated? or maybe it's as simple as the day is long and i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. why must i be such a drama queen? i just wanna scream and get everything out of me right now. a good ol fashion venting session.....wait, that's just what i did. you know what? it didn't work. i am just as bad off as i was before.....actually worse. at least before i hadn't thought about all the good he does for me and how he makes me feel....i only considered the bad. elimination...is that the answer? in other news, i am finally full. i have been hungry since friday night....no saturday night. i have no idea why. i have been eating all that i am able eat, only to not be full. i think i know why. i do eat meat, true, but i don't do it on a regular basis. it's just easier to fix dinner with no meat and it's makes less mess. as for pizza or hot pockets and stuff, i do not eat meat on my pizza in any way, shape, form or fashion. i will eat if off the pizza, but the breasd should only contain sauce and cheese and spices. so yeah, i finally ate some meat today. i felt so...i don't know, barbaric. now my tummy hurts something fierce. why can't i just have a normal day for once? |
